Full disclosure: I did not like this bout, so let’s get into the roast, shall we?
Beyond The Wall
The episode embarks and I’d almost already forgotten that the story of tonight’s chapter is going to be, “try to kidnaps a zombie and create it back to Westeros.” Fuck. That is such a painful idea.
This is a show in which a duo of twins have children together, and I think this might be the most difficult plan I’ve ever heard.
Everyone is trying to impel Gendry be chill about the facts of the case that his comrades exchanged him to Melisandre and she put leeches on his penis. Don’t give in, Gendry. You
are sizzling have a right to your feelings.
Real question: Has anyone ever walked further or digested more to be in my best friend zone than Jorah Mormont? Dude was sold into bondage, got his surface rubbed off, and now he’s beyond the world on Operation Zombie Kidnap, all so Dany might give him a grip subsequently. So sad.
Mormont and Jon Snow get into an honor-off over which one of them gets to keep the fancy sword. The entire thought is particularly phallic.
Jon : strong> I’m so righteous, I’m giving you the sword.
Jorah : strong> I’m so righteous, I’m giving you the sword back.
Me : strong>
It’s Sansa Vs. Arya: Who Will Bitch Slap Who?
Arya : strong> Remember our papa? He used to stand here.
Sansa : strong> Uh…yeah I was there.
Arya is all pissed off about a letter none of us recollect from like 15 seasons ago.
Sansa : strong> You’re being really inessential right now.
Me : strong> True.
Arya : strong> You used to be really fucking stupid.
Me : strong> Also true.
Arya tries to made Sansa with an “I was training to be a faceless mortal, ” while Sansa reacts with an “I low-key saved this entire family.”
Ugh. Littlefinger is such a slippery bitch for opposing the girls against each other this action. Don’t they recognise they should be using their Lady Stark superpowers to save the North ??
Beyond The Wall
We cut back to the wall and everyone is literally really still walking. The Hound educates Big Red( or whatever tf this character’s appoint is) the word “dick, ” and Big Red won’t shut tf up about Brienne, who isn’t interested.
This scene acts literally no purpose, and was a waste of all of our times.
We open on Dany sacrificing Tyrion a backhanded compliment.
The conversation immediately changed to Jon Snow, and Dany and Tyrion start acting like a couple of middle school girls who are trying to figure out if they both have a crush on the same guy.
Tyrion : strong> He likes you!
Dany : strong> No he doesn’t!
Tyrion : strong> You like him!
Dany : strong> He’s too short!
Tyrion : strong> omg!
Tyrion tries to casually bring up the fact that Dany has a bad temper, Dany counters that by coming insanely pee-pee and storming out of the castle.
Tyrion : strong> Hey since you’re like barren or whatever maybe we should figure out who acquires the throne when “youre dying”?
Dany : strong> RUDE
Beyond The Wall
Ugh. The five most boring reputations and Jon Snow are still treading. Sauntering treading step — OH FUCK IS THAT A POLAR BEAR?
YOOOOO IS THAT A ZOMBIE POLAR BEAR?
Welp, our momentous clique of semi-virgins set out to find a zombie, and now they fucking been identified. Good for you, Jon Snow. You’ve contended the wildlings, the Boltons, a wight, a White Walker, and now a zombie allow. Good for fucking you.
The zombie brings are becoming ham killing everyone except the characters we are really care about. One of them chomps on Thoros for a good 30 seconds and hitherto he somehow survives.
Beric exploits his blaze sword, which really rolls the murderous zombie bears into cruel zombie carries that are on fire. Good profession, Beric.
For real though, shouldn’t the barrage stop the zombie stands? Do the zombie births follow different rules than zombie people in the universe? What the fuck is happening?
Littlefinger tries to drag Brienne into his Arya-on-Sansa fantasy, and guess what, it works.
Brienne : strong> Cersei wants you to come to Kings Landing.
Sansa : strong> Lol nah you can go instead.
Sansa calls this opportunity to ransacking through Arya’s shit looking for….weapons? Money? IDK.
BET YA DIDN’T EXPECT TO FIND A BAG FULL OF FACES, YA BISH.
Okay, but gravely, Arya just like…keeps the faces in her luggage? That’s how the fronts duty? You just like, toss them in your pocket together with a couple tampons and a bobby pin and shit?
Arya At Brunch : strong> Ugh sorry about my suitcase, I time have like, my whole makeup bag, my lunch, a hair straightener, and like 15 fronts in now. Can’t leave the house without them!
Of course Arya walks in claim as Sansa procures the bag full of faces. Doesn’t Sansa get that she’s like, a ninja or some shit now?
Arya : strong> Why don’t I hold another long addres about feminism?
Sansa : strong> Umm no bitch you can’t change the subject I need to know wtf is up with these faces.
Arya : strong>
Me : strong> So did y’all two precisely even up or …?
Beyond The Wall
Operation Zombie Kidnap is in full result. Luckily for all the main references , none of them died in the dead-flaming-polar-bear onrush and now they’re all 100% fit to take on the band of White Walkers they’ve only stumbled upon.
Jon : strong>
Me : strong> This feels like important information.
Things are actually exiting pretty well for a group of five humen who wandered thousands of miles to try and kill a imaginary undead corpse-person, but then they eventually get to the “kidnap a zombie” part of their hope and shit starts to fall apart.
We now move into Programme B of Operation Zombie Kidnap, which apparently is just “Gendry runs as fast as he can back to the wall.”
These people really didn’t think this through, did they?
Even still, they’re all doing a pretty good activity considering there appear to be over a thousand wights and White Walkers and just like, five or six of them.
They’re able to fight their practice onto a very conveniently set cliff and now the hope is to just…wait? Luckily in all the hubbub they were able to still keep an eye on the wight they tied up. I predict these people are still really committed to delivering one of the following options concepts back home with them.
CUT TO : strong> Gendry Forrest-Gumping it across the North. Remember when it took like, several seasons to get to get places? Well now Gendry can time pass the part distance of the North during the commercial smashes, and ravens send as fast as texts.
( I know doesn’t have commercial-grade terminates don’t@ me .)
Gendry crumbles just before the end of his marathon. The information that “Gendry running as quickly as he can back to The Wall” is no other part of these action plans that worked out is so, so mystifying to me.
Back at the conveniently pinpointed rock, Jon and co are not doing so sizzling. Thoros vanished, which sees smell because he was attacked by a zombie polar allow that was on fire.
Beric does his blaze sword deception for the 15 th meter and candidly, I’m no longer excited. Get a new ploy, dude.
In the length we realize The Night King, aka Demon Elsa, and somebody( I can’t remember who, this episode was really stupid) has the clever realization that if you kill him, “youre supposed to” kill all The White Walkers at once.
Jon : strong> Challenge accepted.
Dragonstone& Beyond The Wall
Cut to Dany performing us full “Winter Is Now, ” ready to fuck some shit up. She’s going to get on her dragon and fly north to start shit on fire, aka the very obvious happen that she should have done from the beginning.
Dany : strong> I’m winging North.
Me: When tf did you have time to get a wintertime coating obliged?
Back beyond the wall, The Hound only fucked everyone over by hurling snowballs at the wights. Men are so fucking stupid.
We’re now in for one of ’ famously
boring riveting contend scenes.
Jon : strong> Fall back !!! Fall back!
Everyone: Lol where?
The part crew is bordered. They all grab mitts and countenance fatality like at the end of, then…
Dany shows up on her dragons and does what we all have wanted her to do from day one: starts burning zombies.
Dany: Get on the dragon loser, we’re going back to Westeros.
Jon : strong> Just lemme kill a few more zombies real quick.
Everybody is so hectic paying attention to wtf Jon is up to, that no one is recognizes Undead Elsa is about to kill one of the fucking dragons with his ice spear.
Word to the wise: if the fucking Ice King is anywhere near your shit, have one person in your gang assigned to watching the Ice King at all epoches. Ya gotta keep an eye on the Ice King.
Live footage of the Ice King approaching to kill everyone : strong>
Dany is now thrust to drag ass out of the North with one less dragon, while Jon Snow gets pulled into yet another fake-out death.
Me : strong> Lol yea right buster you can’t live. Uncle Benjen is likely going to show up to save you or some stupid shit like that.
Me : strong> Of. Fucking. Course.
Dany is sad because her new sweetheart who she doesn’t realize is actually possibly her nephew is either dead or a zombie right now, and her dragon child is also dead.
Luckily for her, it’s apparently very easy to time ride away from an entire army of White Walkers, and Jon is actually like, fine.
Me, every second of this episode so far : strong>
CUT TO : strong> Jon awaking with Dany standing over his bedside.
Dany visualizes Jon’s stab wraps for the first time and is like, “I KNEW I reeked a red flag.”
Even still, Jon searches so good whenever he wakes up from a near death event. We, the public, know this, but Danearys Targaryen has yet to experience it.
Dany: I can’t have kids.
Jon : strong> Okay…
Dany : strong> But we can like, do other stuff…
We find out that Jon is down to bend the knee to Danearys, but even more importantly it’s pretty clear that Danearys is down to bend da knees to Jon, if ya “know what i m thinking” I convey( blow enterprises ).
Beyond The Wall
Lest you forget, the dumbs who decided that seizing an undead beast was a good idea, also let one of their dragons be killed, and left that dragon’s person in the pass of the White Walkers.
If you didn’t see this coming, you literally have not been paying attention.
That’s right: We’ve got a White Walker dragon now. What does that mean, precisely? IDK, but it can’t be fucking good.